Call me, beep me if ya wanna reach me

I always thought those guys who wear their cellphones in little holsters on their belts were trying to either show off how popular they are ("people call me so much i need instant access to my phone") or they wanted to be like Batman, with a bunch of little devices attached to their utility belts. Why else would anyone attach those things to their belt when just a few inches away is a pocket where they could just keep their phone.

Unlike women's clothing, men have pockets everywhere. On the sides & backs of our pants, on our shirts, on the outside & inside of our jackets. If you put on cargo pants you could have up to 14 pockets in which to store things. So there really is no need to have these belt cell phone holders, or so I thought, until I lost my phone. I didn't leave it anywhere, I guess I leaned too far back in the seat of some train & it slid out of my pocket.

As soon as I got to my office I called my phone & it rang until it went to voicemail, so it was above ground somewhere, ringing. I called again & someone found it because they clicked on "ignore" & I went to voicemail. The next time I called I went straight to voicemail. Someone turned off my phone even though my office # & home # is in my address book as "me" so they saw that the owner was calling & they shut off my phone anyway! i thought maybe they wanted to keep it as their own. But that doesn't make any sense.

my phone is old. It isn't a kewl Matrix phone. It can't even handle multimedia texts. It can't surf the web & doesn't have a qwerty keypad or a stylus, it doesn't have a touchscreen or slide, it isn't even a flip phone so you can hang up on people the way Jack Bauer does on 24. It's so old that the colors have faded & the rubber protectors on the sides have worn off. I've always had international calls blocked & according to my t-mobile account, there haven't been any phone calls or text messages since I lost it. The only logical explanation is that some kid (& by "kid" I mean some moron or criminal) found it & thought it would be funny to throw it away when they saw that the owner was calling. They obviously didn't keep it for their own use. Maybe they donated my old phone to a museum. It's so old that when I made calls, the operator picked up & had to plug a wire into a switchboard.

Luckily I had a spare phone that I bought when I thought I broke it 2 years ago. The volume was really low & I thought I broke the speaker, so I bought a copy of the exact same model on ebay. But I didn't need to replace my phone at the time.

It turns out I had just lowered the volume in the middle of a call.

Potty Humor

I've accepted the fact that there are still many men who don't know what a urinal is or what it's for. I've accepted the fact that I have to contend with finding "#1" on the toilet seats in public restrooms at restaurants, movie theaters & my office. (Seriously, if you can't aim, sit down.) It's surprising that these men don't lift the seat considering the never-ending debate about the state of domestic toilet seats. I have also accepted the fact that men think of the bathroom as a library no matter where they are.

At my last job, at least once a week there was a copy of the sports section on the floor left there by the considerate guy before me who didn't want me to be bored as I visited the 100 acre woods. I remember one day when some guy next to me must not have been reading anything very interesting because he started to snore. Yes, snore. I didn't realize those stalls could be so comfortable. I tried to leave quietly but he woke up when I flushed.

I tried to avoid using the bathroom if my co-worker was in there. He was one of those guys who thinks it makes him cool to "not care" about social norms (so it's pointless to correct him) but he doesn't realize that it makes him come across as an abrasive weirdo. Luckily I can wash my hands very quickly so I was able to leave right away that day we were in there at the same time:

He recognized my sneakers under the stall one Friday evening & he decided that it was the perfect time to ask me about my plans for the weekend.

In between the sounds of him "dropping the boys off at the pool."

Vampyre Girls

SPOILER ALERT!!!
I spoil two vampire movies: Twilight & Let The Right One In.
Do not read any further unless you've seen Let The Right One In.
Go see it now!

HBO’s True Blood has some good ideas like artificial blood that allows vampires to integrate into society with a lobbying group, but it’s mediocre & the nudity doesn’t save it. It’s nowhere near as good as Blood Ties but it’s not as bad as Moonlight. The nudity didn’t help Rise: Blood Hunter either. It should have been shown in chronological order, instead of jumbled, out-of-sequence flashbacks. It isn't worth renting.

I saw Twilight opening night. It was a highly anticipated geek movie which means I was there more than an hour before the movie started. Opening night is the best time to see a geek movie because the theater is filled with fans, in this case, not genre/vampire fans but book fans, which means it was filled with tween girls who sat breathless waiting & screamed with delight when Bella & Edward finally kissed. It was great fun & just the right energy. There was a vampire fight scene which was well-done because it had little to no CGI.

It was a good popcorn movie about a human girl who meets a vampire boy. Bella is pretty & everyone at her school likes her. There are 3 boys (& 1 vampire) who want to date her. Bella is brave & independent. She is ready for a boyfriend. Edward is a brooding vampire boy who doesn't eat humans, protects her from danger & doesn't pressure her into having sex. What more could a teen girl ask for? Twilight is a PG-13 Hollywood movie.

Let The Right One In, (seriously, go see it before you read any further) on the other hand, is an R rated Swedish film with subtitles & graphic violence. It’s virtually the opposite of Twilight. It is about Oskar, a human boy who meets a vampire girl. They are only 12 (compared to Twilight's 16 year olds). Oskar isn't liked at school; he gets picked on & has violent revenge fantasies about his tormenters. Oskar is a timid & innocent boy who needs to be told by his vampire girl, Eli, to stand up for himself. He doesn't even try anything when she gets into bed with him. It’s what every bullied geek boy dreams about.

Which is why I sat in the theater & was breathlessly waiting for them to kiss. & when she finally did, Oskar & I didn't care that her mouth was covered in blood from some guy she just killed. We were both just happy that a girl kissed him!! Awesome!!

At the end when Oskar was about to be drowned in a pool (in retaliation for standing up for himself) Eli showed up. She ripped off the guy’s arm who was holding Oskar down, beheaded someone else & mauled a 3rd boy. Oskar opened his eyes & saw his little vampire girlfriend covered in blood from having just killed 3 kids. He smiled the biggest smile ever because his girlfriend was back.

Dismembered children, body parts, blood in the pool & on the floor. So of course all I could think was: "how romantic!"

Say Cheese!

"Why can't you post your photos on Facebook like everyone else?"
A friend of mine actually wrote this to me in an email & I couldn't stop laughing when I read it. Facebook photos suck.

I would never use Lamebook to share photos because I own a camera that takes really good detailed pictures. Why would I then ruin those photos by uploading them to AOL-book?

Failbook automatically resizes photos & reduces the resolution of every picture so it can make the file smaller. (They do this because they don't actually make any money & have to save somehow. They do reserve the right to make money off your photos.) Now that your compressed photos are on their site you can show everyone your blurry low-resolution pictures. Wheee! Counter-productive fun for everyone!

If you make the mistake of downloading a picture from Feacesbook don't try to print it out or use it as your desktop wallpaper, because you can't. The quality is poor & having gone through the Stalker-book picture meatgrinder (a perfect example) it will be too small to use as your background.

That's why I'm on MySpace & Flickr. MySpace is better than Facebook because MySpace lets you upload pictures that won't be re-sized or stripped of resolution. You can make them available only to your friends whom you can tag in the unaltered photo. When I upload my pictures to Flickr, the original is stored & available for download, in fact, it offers you the choice of downloading a re-sized version if you don't want the full size, high-res, original photo. Click on "all sizes" above each photo & you get a choice.

AOL-book does not offer you a choice. Some people seem to like the loss of quality & gated community that Junkbook is. I don't & I'm not alone. Why bother buying a good camera if you are going to use Crapbook to distribute photos? You may as well buy a 1 megapixel camera. You'll not only save money but your pictures will automatically lack detail.

You should also tell your wedding photographer to use his cell phone camera for all the photos that day.

Meet Me On The Subway

I live near the end of the line on the F train so the train is nearly empty when I get on. It really annoys me when I see people put bags on the seat next to them on the subway in the morning.

These people don't seem to realize that the train is not going to remain empty. People are going to get on the train because it's (for lack of a better term) "Rush Hour!" At some point someone will get on the train & ask them to move the bag & sit down right next to them. It's so utterly pointless that they try to prevent people from sitting next to them. It's...what was that term again? Oh yes: RUSH HOUR!

I make sure I never put my bag on the seat next to me & not just because I can get a ticket from some cop who wants to produce a paper trail as evidence that he's working instead of, oh, I don't know, preventing an actual crime. The real reason is: I don't want anyone to speak to me or interact with me in anyway. The last thing I want, is to hear someone say "Excuse me, is this your bag? Could you please move it?" I don't want any contact with anyone, that's why I don't spread my legs apart when I sit down, even though it would be way more comfortable. I don't want to feel someone rubbing their legs against mine. People who do that or who take up two seats with their bag are idiots.

If you don't like strangers so much that you want to prevent them from sitting next to you, why would you do something that invites a conversation with them? It's like having to meet new people every morning, I don't want to meet people. I hate meeting people! It's true. You would know this if you were a member of one of the 3 groups I used 2 organize this past year on that website designed for, umm, meeting people.

Slim Jims & Mouthwash

A high school buddy of mine is in Afghanistan. I asked him if he wanted me 2 send him anything & he only asked for Power Bars, candy, Slim Jims & mouthwash. So I sent him what he asked for. A few weeks later my brother & his wife came to NYC to visit & he told me he was being sent to Iraq!

Great, just great.

I have been against the Iraq war since the beginning. It's like if after someone attacks your wife, the police tell you they aren't going to go after the attacker (who already confessed on video) instead, they're going to go after some other guy who they think might - maybe - possibly - someday - attack someone else. It makes me think that if Bush were president during the attack on Pearl Harbor he would have invaded Australia.

Of course you can't talk about this stuff with Neo-Cons (or if you prefer: GOPedophiles, WingNuts, RepubliKKKans, Repugnicans, Repubes, Repigs, Repukes, etc) because then they call you a traitor who doesn't support the troops. Right.....because I don't support the troops or as I like to call them: my family & my friends.

I don't argue with them but I do let them know that the government has created a new social networking site for people who support the Iraq war to prove their patriotism to liberals who call them "chickenhawks."

Sometimes it sucks being a geek.

I went to a movie that I did not want to go see. My friend suggested it because she likes comedies & I have the hardest time saying "no" to my friends when they want something. So we went to see...evan almighty. I'm a geek so I notice a lot of those "easter eggs" that movies & tv shows have these days, those little in-jokes that you can find if you pay attention. For example Stan Lee has a small role in most of the marvel comics movies: The Hulk, Spider-man & Fantastic Four. I'm pretty good at it so I was able to notice a 1 second shot of a newspaper headline in a library cart being pushed past Lex Luthor on the tv show Smallville that read: "Themyscirian Queen Addresses the Vatican." It was very exciting for me because I knew that Themyscira is the island home of Queen Hippolyta & Queen Hippolyta is the mother of...Wonder Woman! Which meant she could possibly show up on Smallville.

During Evan Almighty [spolier alert!] I immediately recognized "Alpha & Omega Hardware" & chuckled while my friend didn't, so I explained that God is the beginning & the end. When the ark was under construction & Evan's life was falling apart, I complained that it didn't make any sense for God to ask him to build an ark because there was no way that God was going to make it flood because we have rainbows. "What?" she said. I explained that God told us after the first flood that rainbows would become a sign that He would never flood us again. Sure enough, after the movie flood (He didn't cause it) there is a very visible rainbow. Because we were in NYC only the two of us got the intended significance of that scene.

But it sucked to be a geek during the part when God is finally convincing Evan to build the ark. Evan tells God that he can't build an ark because he moved to D.C. with a lot of plans. So God started laughing. Then I started laughing.

Get it?

Well, no one else at the theater did either, except me. So when I realized I was the only one laughing I stopped. It totally ruined the moment, to hear just the sound of my own laughter in the audience. I realized that the people in the audience just didn't know enough to get the joke so I had to wonder why they even bothered to buy tickets to this movie. Did they not see the commercials? It's a religious movie with a great little sermon that actually made me think. The movie mixed religion with politics, in fact it reminded me of that book by Jim Wallis which everyone should read. I still can't believe I was the only person there with a religious background. After I had pointed out a bunch of religious symbols my friend said "Wow, you're a good Catholic" which is just so not true.

Still wondering about the joke? If you have to explain a joke then it's not funny. You would have found it funny if, like me, you had ever heard the expression "Man plans & God laughs." lol! ^_^